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Life's goals

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 01:20:48 +0100

Never let it be said that I am a man without ambitions! My friends - MY FRIENDS - I have just now today settled on a 'Lifetime Goal' (this is the goal that one must have accomplished to have 'won' at 'life'.)

ANYWAY - my life's goal is to have people say the following after I have passed away from this earth (but too soon, eh? Much too soon..toooo soooon....sorry, back to the point): "He was a man who used some powerful language'

THIS IS THE GOAL, really for all men, although many may not realize, and for the others, well, ok it isn't everyone's goal....but it is mine! What could be better than having it be said of you that you used powerful language? This proves you had a mastery of that most basic of human skills - communication. THINK for a bit, if you will, on the importance communication holds not just for us, but for the frickin' universe: what is it that separates us from other forms of life? DON"T BOTHER THINKING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER: Communication. Am I right (can I get a 'hell yeah'?)? Other animals have communication, sure, but do they have sweet talking-type communication? HELL NO. They communicate with chemicals or pheromones or some shit, and frankly, MY FRIENDS, that is weak. Sure, some of them (the animals) communicate with barking and meowing and chirping and whatever the hell else, but no one knows what it means because it’s a developed as a baby's crying - IT DOESNT MEAN SHIT. The animal is sad or hungry or concerned with the welfare of the destitute elderly or WHATEVER, it goes 'yap! yap! yap! YAP!'. Great, you might as well be a car alarm - all anyone does is try to get it to stop, or to get way the fuck away from it.

Great job, baby.

So if cats or dogs could compose songs with the majesty of a Bob Dylan, or at this point, I would accept the “mastery” of an Alanis Morrisette, I might consider that they truly communicate, but since they don't...well, you see where I'm going with this.

JESUS people, the point is that communication is where its at (what are we going to do when we meet another intelligent species? Notice them and move on? FUCK RIGHT - we are going to communicate with them - that's what its all about!

So anyway, how do I go about attaining this goal? Shit, folks, I'm almost there! I have a healthy, nearly powerful grasp of the English language, because I already drop some powerful language thanks to my extensive use of the F-bomb. THIS IS THE SECRET. Many doubt the power and coolness of the F-Bomb, but that is because they are F-Haters or "Fucking Haters(z)". The F-Bomb makes any speech more powerful! Just listen to this boring sentence "It's a nice house you have here, Mr. Kennedy. Thank you for having me over." Now listen to it, TURNED UP A FEW FUCKING NOTCHES "Jesus! Nice place, Mr. Kennedy. FUCK ME." (by the way, that last 'fuck me' should be read as the type you say when you see something sweet [e.g.. "Fuck me that's a big house"], not like someone would say if they wanted hypothetical Kennedy sex.

SO, now that we know about my power, is it any wonder that I win the war that is conversation? Oh, what is that you mumble? You didn't know conversation was a war? Ah, but it is, my little chickadee, ah but it is.

You see, one person transgresses into the other person's thinking territory - this person is the aggressor or 'conversation starter'. They say something like "Hell of a rainstorm isn't it? Glad you got in safely!", to which the defender, or 'conversation haver' says something like "Fuck yeah! Motherfuckin' cats and dogs and shit!". Now you see, this person, the defender, has played his or her hand with masterful precision, and surgical intensity. The aggressor, in my example, tries to defend territory, but does it poorly, and loses valuable 'conversation points', let's watch!: "Damn, didn't know it had gotten that bad” (craning his or her neck to peer out the fingertip-stained office window). Now follow along as the defender wins this war: "I'm not sure it was that bad here, but on the highway it was a fucking MESS". Boo-ya! (does anybody still say that? I really need to stop). The war was as one sided as these things come. The attacker went in tentatively, defended poorly and short-sightedly, and succumbed before the outcome was inevitable. Unaware of the finer points of conversation warfare, and perhaps unaware of the theory altogether, that person left the conversation bewildered, and no doubt thinking VERY HIGHLY of the defender.

Now if one were to win all battles this way, and to spread his knowledge, and to bring about the power and glory forever to his friends, foes, and neutrals, that person would possibly have this said about him: "The man used some powerful language"

Free money

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:04:59 +0100

The finest work compiled over the course of the last five years must assuredly be the compositions of the FDP writing team.

This crack block of hard-nosed investigative reporters will stop at nothing to find the news, write flowery prose about the news, and deliver the news to your eDoorstep.

The price you pay? Nothing. THIS MY FRIENDS IS THE JETSONS FUTURE (the best of all possible futures).

Enjoy this bit of wisdom:

Is more very good pay equal more money? The future will be five stops. You stop in your stage of the door of the electron. Payment of work this year? Spend the same stage of the door of the electron, probably. Electronic stage of door. The delivery will seek news of the prices, FDP with a future five obstinate news of the delivery of block, so we will stop, really completely, to the bottom inside and writing nothing of import. Payment? The future block and nothing will stop. Is this really about you, friend? You discovered prices of roughly...nothing.

From the music desk...

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 22:48:14 +0100

Are we all (and by we, I mean the entire United States of America) ok with the fact that DragonForce is vastly superior to nearly everything available on the market? If we could make a DragonForce/Tom Waits concert happen, how much would you pay? One thousand per ticket? Ten thousand? No price can be put upon this vision of heaven, you say?

In other news, FDP recommends the following bands that have been out for God knows how long, but that we are just now getting around to listening to, due to the large amount of promotional CDs that get sent to the FDP Music Desk for review:

Fleet Foxes - 'White Winter Hymnal' is a great song, and a good way to get hooked

Dragon Force - their entire catalog should not be missed

Frank Black - Ok, even FDP was listening to this back in "the day", but '7 Weeks I'll be Gone' is recommended currently

RJD2 - '1976' might be popular around the offices now, but of course 'Ghostwriter' is exceptional, if overplayed

Electric Six - 'Danger! High Voltage' should be listened to soon, because it will get very annoying soon, FDP predicts

Mr. Vegas - If one is so inclined, one should listen to 'Tambourine' and practice one's dance moves for the upcoming FDP dance-a-thon-off

And although it is not the prerogative of the FDP Music Desk to comment on items that are not directly related to music, all readers should be alerted to the fact that Christmas is almost upon us.

Christmas, for those of you unfamiliar with common American holidays, is a time of year when we gather around with our families and enjoy fellowship (?).

Of course, any mention of fellowship would be incomplete if it did not also lead to a lengthy discussion of The Fellowship from Ultima 7.

Do we all recall that nefarious organization (I believe we do!)? For those of you who are younger than 11, and thus missed on the cultural phenomenon that was Ultima 7, The Fellowship were a group contained within that game whose goal was, if memory serves me correctly, world domination (?) A quick bit of research just now has confirmed that this was (is?) so, so all readers are instructed to mentally remove the question mark that follows the sentence involving The Fellowship's intentions.

ANYWAY, fellowship, because of Ultima 7, has become incontrovertibly linked to The Fellowship, and now no longer retains its previous positive connotation.

For this reason, Christmas is ruined.

Love,

FDP

Malta

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:39:51 +0100

Let's start off by reviewing some key facts, courtesy of The Economist's (trademark sign) "Pocket World in Figures 2009 Edition". By the way The Economist and Entertainment Weekly are the official magazines of FDP. The official websites you ask? asofterworld.com and mnftiu.cc. The official soft drinks? Canada Dry brand Ginger Ale, and IBC Root Beer. And Dr. Pepper.

Official type of headwear? Beanie caps.

Official high school subject? Geometry.

Let's face it - Geometry rocked. You had to guess the length of different parts of a triangle? WHAT COULD BE MORE USEFUL

Looking back on my alleged high school career, I remember needing English, Algebra, History, Philosophy, Law Studies, Psychology, and Homeroom (in that order) more often than I ever needed Geometry. But that is what makes it so great! Knowing the length of a part of a triangle isn't even something you can occasionally impress your friends with BECAUSE IT NEVER COMES UP EVER.

So here is my quandary: Why isn't Geometry basically the coolest thing on Earth for today's kids? Don't they love being obsessed with obscure topics (to be fair, young people have always tried to stand apart by trying to find obscure interests)? Plus they love Randomness (see Family Guy, Tim and Eric, ATHF, ad nauseam). Loving Geometry, in conclusion, is absolutely the coolest, most sweet thing a young person could do (at this point, young America, I am talking directly to you).

So going back to the world in figures (2009 edition), I come across some VERY interesting friends. TRENDS - I MEANT TRENDS. For instance, did one know that the US does not lead the world in obesity (in so far as % of population who are overweight or obese according to the body-mass index)? That particular shame goes to Malta [more on Malta in a minute!!!!], although the US does show up a respectable second.

However, this is where the stats get interesting. The country with the most fist-fighting (as reported as % of population reported being in a physical fight once in the past 12 months)? Malta. And the country with the highest percentage of wine and "spirits" drinkers? You guessed it (possibly): Malta.

Another strange fact (and these are all 100% true, or at least as true as the book tells me they are - I haven't actually run my own surveys to corroborate, but the book looks very official. Actually it does not, it looks like half of a kid's book - but it was made by The Economist for god's sake! - that has to count for something) is that Malta's life expectancy is a full year higher than ours. Is it because they are out awesoming us? I WILL DECIDE THIS AND GET BACK TO YOU.

So that's Malta. But I know you don't come here for Malta - you come to discuss USF soccer. Well, as we all know, USF suffered a tragic ass-beating at the hands of Wake Forest (possibly the best college soccer team ever assembled). The FDP staff is having a hard time recapping this game, because what else can be said? It's on to next year then, and hopefully a surprise Grothe defection to the 'other football' team to help us win State, Region, Nation, and World.

So until the next USF game, or at least this weekend, a fond FDP farewell to our loyal readers and analysts. May god strike you down for your insolence.

A time to love

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 22:12:19 +0100

A few things to get caught up on:

1. USF beating UNC-Greensboro in the round of 16 of the NCAA men's soccer tournament. For whatever reason, the national media has not locked on to this story, so it has become the responsibility of the FDP Sports Desk to discuss the ramifications of the momentous event (as usual).

First of all, this game is meaningless. We all know UNCG is the weak sister of the North Carolina schools, so USF takes no pride in whupping them (in PKs 3-1). What we do know is that USF faces Wake Forest next. STOP AND PONDER.

Wake Forest is the undisputed best program in college soccer right now. Last years champion, one loss on the year, and they just steamrolled Dartmouth 7-0 (not UMass-Dartmouth, but it's less illustrious spin-off school, named just 'Dartmouth' for simplicity.) Wake Forest is the Mike Tyson to USF's Buster Douglas in this matchup, except if Buster Douglas was 125 pounds lighter, with nice, straight teeth, and a penchant for drinking and kissing - which I believe is a good single-human representation of the entire USF student body.

THE POINT IS: Wake Forest wins? No one cares. USF wins? The whole world should stand up and take notice. They will have to cancel Kenny Mayne's show, and put on a program devoted solely to this game, which will run every Tuesday at 9 PM. OR - they could create a whole channel in tribute, much like the Big 10 Network, except it will be a highly specific Big East Network, one that, in fact, does nothing but show replays, analysis, and commentary on this hypothetical game.

In other news, the FDP Social Reporter was on hand at "Thirds" in Georgetown on Friday and files this report from the FDP News Chopper:

"A common practice at bars seems to be singing along with the song currently being blasted by the half-ass DJ at these overhyped bar/clubs. The point of this is what? To prove that you know the words to the song that gets played about 10-12 times per day on the radio? Awesome trick Rain Man, please show me how you pulled that mental feat."

Well, then.

Finally, no day would be complete with learning FDP's ManU reporting team's take on the Manchester United - Manchester Reserve Team (or City) game. This report was filed from deep within the heart of the matter:

"Manchester City - what a joke. Get a real team, you freaks. The score was 1-0 good guys, but it may as well have been 12-0: City has no heart (although they look like Lance Armstrong compared to Liverpool, and their legions of "I just started watching soccer last year where is that jersey I just bought 'mate'" fans. Disaster."

So there we have it. To summarize this week's events:

USF 2 - 1 UNC-Greensboro
Manchester United 1 - 0 Manchester City
People with common sense in bars 8 - 164 People with the same intelligence as a preschooler at bars

Until next time, keep an eye on the skies - FPD begins 'air mailing' donkey posters soon!

Yer moms

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 06:11:46 +0100

Y'all need to stop. and wiggle with it - USF just crushed Harvard 2-1 in collegiate soccer (football for all you fake-Americans overseas). Let's all stop and ponder on that for awhile - USF beats Harvard (first ever meeting between the schools). Now, obviously they are the academic champ. On the other hand, USF has a more well-rounded program - although their English, Business, Psychology, and Political Science programs trump USF's, we probably have a better Engineering, Communications, and TV/VCR Repair curriculum.

The point is! My friends. That we (USF) are the better school, both athletically (in case you had not noticed, USF has a superior football, SOCCER, baseball, track, golf, and everythingthefuckelse team.

ALSO ALSO I have it from the highest power (my own), that our Surf Team (ahem - founding member here) would smoke theirs like the Christmas Blunt.

ALSO ALSO ALSO - USF has way "doper" colours than Harvard, which are only some gold dye from being....boston college (weak sauce).

ANYWAY - what I am driving at this evening, before you nod off for bed - is that USF basically rocks out with its collective socks out, whilst Harvard skates by on an overinflated reputation and an absolutely shitty soccer team.

Hats off to you jackoffs on the Harvard soccer team - sorry you weren't smart enough for Oxford, or good at sports enough for USF. Better luck next time????

A few thoughts on the ManU game yesterday

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 16:04:13 +0100

I'm not feeling Tevez. I'm usually a big supporter of personnel decisions made at the club (unlike 99% of all other Manchester United fans), and I have spent an inordinate amount of time defending the likes of Evra, Vidic, Howard (naturally), and Smith. In this case though, Tevez just doesn't feel right - he doesn't fit into the system correctly, and he doesn't change the system in the right way (as Ronaldo did). A player has to do one of those two things. Either hold the status quo or advance the team (relative to the rest of the league). Tevez? Just sort of sits there, like a slightly less deformed Cuauhtémoc Blanco.

This seems like a good segue into mentioning that Blanco sucks. I feel like Mexico was so envious of Claudio Reyna, that they tried to make a Reyna out of inferior Mexican clay, and he ended up being a lumpy, slower, stupider version of Reyna. And that was their captain for years - culminating in a humiliating (for them) defeat against the US in the 2002 World Cup octofinals.

And that seems like a good segue into mentioning that the US plays Mexico, at US, to open the real World Cup qualifying next year. So for all readers out there, even if you aren't soccer fans, this is a good time to get involved - show your support for the national team by watching the game, and jeering loudly for the next two months at anyone who looks like they may be of Mexican descent.

Cotton fields

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 22:14:55 +0100

When I was a little bitty baby, my momma used to rock me in the cradle, back them old cotton fields back home. Actually, I do not know if Florida has cotton fields, and I am not interested in looking it up right now. So I propose we amend the song in everyone's memory to "Them old orange groves back home..."

Better song, that way - WE CAN ALL AGREE.

Legend.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:58:49 +0100

All technical difficulties are being found and eliminated. Fret not.

In other news, the Bruins are in first place in the National Hockey League - I have nothing to add to the national discourse on this event, I apologize.

Get used to it

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 03:32:25 +0100

The website is running on all five wheels. This is the new look - the new era. Look, learn, and observe - not in that order.