Life's goals
December 25, 2008Never let it be said that I am a man without
ambitions! My friends - MY FRIENDS - I have just now today settled on a
'Lifetime Goal' (this is the goal that one must have accomplished to have 'won'
at 'life'.)
ANYWAY - my life's goal is to have people say
the following after I have passed away from this earth (but too soon, eh? Much
too soon..toooo soooon....sorry, back to the point): "He was a man who
used some powerful language'
THIS IS THE GOAL, really for all men, although
many may not realize, and for the others, well, ok it isn't everyone's
goal....but it is mine! What could be better than having it be said of
you that you used powerful language? This proves you had a mastery of
that most basic of human skills - communication. THINK for a bit, if you will,
on the importance communication holds not just for us, but for the frickin'
universe: what is it that separates us from other forms of life?
DON"T BOTHER THINKING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER: Communication.
Am I right (can I get a 'hell yeah'?)? Other animals have
communication, sure, but do they have sweet talking-type communication?
HELL NO. They communicate with chemicals or pheromones or some
shit, and frankly, MY FRIENDS, that is weak. Sure, some of them (the animals)
communicate with barking and meowing and chirping and whatever the hell else,
but no one knows what it means because it’s a developed as a baby's crying - IT
DOESNT MEAN SHIT. The animal is sad or hungry or concerned with the welfare
of the destitute elderly or WHATEVER, it goes 'yap! yap! yap!
Great job, baby.
So if cats or dogs could compose songs with the majesty
of a Bob Dylan, or at this point, I would accept the “mastery” of an Alanis Morrisette,
I might consider that they truly communicate, but since they don't...well, you
see where I'm going with this.
JESUS people, the point is that communication is
where its at (what are we going to do when we meet another intelligent species?
Notice them and move on? FUCK RIGHT - we are going to communicate with them - that's what its all about!
So anyway, how do I go about attaining this
goal? Shit, folks, I'm almost there! I have a healthy, nearly
powerful grasp of the English language, because I already drop some powerful
language thanks to my extensive use of the F-bomb. THIS IS THE SECRET.
Many doubt the power and coolness of the F-Bomb, but that is because they
are F-Haters or "Fucking Haters(z)". The F-Bomb makes any
speech more powerful! Just listen to this boring sentence "It's a
nice house you have here, Mr. Kennedy. Thank you for having me
over." Now listen to it, TURNED UP A FEW FUCKING NOTCHES "Jesus!
Nice place, Mr. Kennedy. FUCK ME." (by the way, that last
'fuck me' should be read as the type you say when you see something sweet [e.g..
"Fuck me that's a big house"], not like someone would say if they
wanted hypothetical Kennedy sex.
SO, now that we know about my power, is it any
wonder that I win the war that is conversation? Oh, what is that you
mumble? You didn't know conversation was a war? Ah, but it is, my
little chickadee, ah but it is.
You see, one person transgresses into the other
person's thinking territory - this person is the aggressor or 'conversation
starter'. They say something like "Hell of a rainstorm isn't it?
Glad you got in safely!", to which the defender, or 'conversation
haver' says something like "Fuck yeah! Motherfuckin' cats and dogs
and shit!". Now you see, this person, the defender, has played his
or her hand with masterful precision, and surgical intensity. The aggressor,
in my example, tries to defend territory, but does it poorly, and loses
valuable 'conversation points', let's watch!: "Damn, didn't know it had
gotten that bad” (craning his or her neck to peer out the fingertip-stained
office window). Now follow along as the defender wins this war:
"I'm not sure it was that bad here, but on the highway it was a
fucking MESS". Boo-ya! (does anybody still say that? I really need
to stop). The war was as one sided as these things come. The attacker
went in tentatively, defended poorly and short-sightedly, and succumbed before
the outcome was inevitable. Unaware of the finer points of conversation
warfare, and perhaps unaware of the theory altogether, that person left the
conversation bewildered, and no doubt thinking VERY HIGHLY of the defender.
Now if one were to win all battles this way, and
to spread his knowledge, and to bring about the power and glory forever to his friends,
foes, and neutrals, that person would possibly have this said about him:
"The man used some powerful language"
Posted by Ernest Hemmingwayballs
